你还记得上一次对付一个负面或难缠之人是何时吗？或你还记得最后一个因抱有它意说些伤害你的话之人是何时吗？那你是如何处理的？结果怎样？如果未来再次遇到这些情况你在保持冷静与风度的同时又能做些什么呢？
无论我们去哪儿，我们都会遇到一些负面的人：这些人会反对我们的想法、惹我们生气或仅仅单纯地不喜欢我们。全世界有64亿人口，遇到冲突在所难免。但这不是产生冲突的原因而是引发我们情绪的原因，因为情绪控制了我们将其引回到了我们最基本的生存本能—反抗以及回击保护自己的本能。
在回归到这些本能时，我们暂时丧失了自我，像动物一样遇到攻击就本能的反击以保护自己。这是动物的天性。但是，我们又是唯一被上帝赋予智慧，并具有自我控制能力的高级动物。那么，我们如何才能做到这一点呢？我经常会被问到“你如何处理那些关于你文章的负面评论？那些评论言语犀利，我不认为你自己能够应付。”我的回答很简单，“我根本就不理会。”但这不总是很容易，有时我要花些时间来克服这一自然的紧迫性并且给与回击。
我知道这不容易，如果容易的话，最开始就不会有那些难对付的或反面的人存在了。
我们何苦控制我们的反应呢？
1. 这会伤己
我最喜欢的一句格言“对他人抱有怨恨就像自己在喝毒药却期望他人死亡。”能伤害到你的只有你自己。当我们对那些负面的事或人做出反应时，我们是在打乱自己内心的平静，给自己内心造成伤痛。
2. 这不是关于你的而是关于他人的。
当人们开始负面性时其实是在将他们内心通过外在表现显现出来，而你恰巧就是我前面所说的这类情况。这不是个人问题，所以为何我们要错误地认为是针对自己的呢？简言之：是因为自我喜欢麻烦和冲突。人们经常对自我的生活感到乏之无味、毫无波澜以至于喜欢找他人的麻烦。
许多时候，当有人在TSN中留下一条故意伤人的留言时，他会定期的返回该页面浏览是否有他人回复他们的帖子，以迅速的回复更多的负面信息。
3. 自我之战。
冲动地做出一些反映是我们身体最自然和诚实的本能反应。然而，这是种明智的做法吗？这样做的话又能解决什么问题？而唯一的答案只有—什么也解决不了！这只是满足了自我的好斗需求。
不知你是否注意到，在我们给予反击之时我们头脑真的会产生一种满意之感吗？而内心深处又是否会真的感觉不好？我们内心是否会紧紧揪起而开始产生暴力想法？
在我们毫无理智的回应时，这种情况就从单面的负面影响转入了两个自我之战的斗争中了，成为了一种不必要的、无意义的谁是谁非的斗争。
4．愤怒激发愤怒，负面引起负面。
很少有人在处于负面影响的情况下还心情良好。它只会激发愤怒以及一些过激的反应。如果我们冲动的回应，就将会投入大量的精力捍卫自己，并在心理上不断暗示自己要将自我保卫战持续进行下去。
你是否注意到我们的情绪越是愤怒，我们自己也是越愤怒？这是负面的恶性螺旋下降式循环。
5. 浪费精力
注意力到哪儿，精力就会用到哪儿。我们专注于一件事时倾向于将其扩大化，因为我们在同一时间只能专注于一件事，将精力专注于负面性中我们的个人幸福关注度就下降了。
6. 负面会蔓延
我发现一旦我让负面性进入我生活的一块儿区域，它就会悄无声息的蔓延到我生活的其他区域。当我们处于负面状态或对他人抱有愤恨情绪之时，我们的感觉会非常不好。因为我们会整天的带有这种感受。当我们感觉不好之时，我们就失去了辨析事物的敏锐度，会对我们生活中其他区域的事情做出无意识地、不必要的反应。
7. 言论自由
人人都享有言论自由的权利。可以自由的表达他们所感所想。但是请不要忘记所有事情都是相对的，都有其角度问题。我们认为积极的事物也可能会被他人认为是负面的。当我们对此做出反应时，这就变成了你我之战，那么谁是谁非？有些人不能以雄辩的口才将自身讲明，其结果可能就是语言无礼了，但即使这样他们仍有权这么做。他们有权发表评论，有权有意志选择我们的反应。我们可以选择和平也可以选择斗争。
对付难缠之人的15个小窍门
虽然我有了很多处理负面性的经验，但是有时我发现自己还是不得不积极地应对。当我猝不及防遇到难题并最终处于防守位置时，结果很少会有好的。
关键是我们毕竟是人，我们会有情绪、有自我。然而，当将自我嵌入情商之中时，这并不能对我们的健康以及心灵空间产生好处，但是我们却有机会将不好的、不必要的事情发展中途拦截。
以下是一些处理难缠之人或负面信息的的小方法：
1. 学会原谅
处于如此境地时，达赖喇嘛会如何做呢？我想他最可能做的就是—原谅。请不要忘了，在我们内心深处我们都是好的。但是我们对他人判断结果不乐观时，我们可能就会说些伤人的话。请问问自己，“这种情况或人我能够理解或原谅吗？“
2．要等一等
有时我感到自己是被迫立即发言来保卫自己的。我知道带有情绪色彩的邮件不是我们自身想要的结果，这只会火上浇油。而唯一有用的是—等一等，让自身冷静下来。如果你选择做出反应，那么请在作出反应前等一等，先让自己冷静下来。
3.“我是否正确真的很重要吗？“
有时我们回击是处于捍卫者的位置。但是如果你发现你的反击是在以牺牲正确性为代价，那么请问问自己，“我自己正确与否真的很重要吗？“如果你的回答是—很重要，那么再问问自己，”我为什么需要正确？我又会得到什么？“
4. 不要回应
许多时候当一个人开始产生负面信息或难对付态度之时，他们是在试图引发你的回应。一旦我们回应了，就是在给予他们想要的了。让我们停止这种负面滚雪球效应，切断他们想要的，不打扰我们自身的回应机制
5. 停止谈论它
在你生活中遇到问题或冲突时，你难道没发现人们都喜欢议论它吗？我们不要再一直重复着将它讲给别人听，说我们有多么厌恶这种情形或这个人。到此刻时，我们必须承认这样一个事实—那就是关于某些事我们说得越多，对他的关注度就越高。
例如，对于你不喜欢某人这件事说得越多，你会发现自己就会越发的讨厌他并会越多的注意到他的那些我们不喜欢的事。所以，停止将精力浪费给它，停止想它，停止讨论它。尽自己最大努力不要一直的将它讲给别人听。
6. 学会换位思考
听起来像是陈词滥调了，但不得不说我们还是会在此情况下变得盲目。试着换位想想，想想你又是如何伤害了他人的感情。这一换位思考会给你一个全新的思考角度让你再次回归理性，让你对他人产生同情和怜悯。
7. 查询以往经验
如果我们可以吸取那些帮助我们成长，塑造我们成为一个更好的人的教训，那么没有什么情况是不可控制的。无论多糟糕的情况出现，总会在以前的哪些教训中找到一个隐形的解决方法。试着找找你人生中的那些经验。
8. 选择将你生活中的那些负面之人剔除出去
你生活中的那些负面之人是你精力消耗的根源之一。那些非常不开心的人也会将你的情绪带的低落，如此在情绪低落的这条道路上他们才会不孤独。请赶快意识到这点儿。除非你有大把的时间消耗，大把的精力浪费，否则的话我建议你赶紧将这些人从你的生活中剔除出去。
尽可能的不与他们联系，如此一点点的将之从生活中淡出去。请记得你有权选择将自身融入那些你钦佩的人当中，因为那些人乐观、积极、平和以及极富鼓动力。正如Kathy Sierra（一个心理学家）所说，“将自己融入到那些你想看到改变的事物当中去。“
9. 做一个情绪的观察者
当你试着做我们的感情观察者时，我们会将我们的想法以及情况与我们的情绪相分离。不是带有情绪的识别，让情绪控制我们，而是我们以理性的清晰度以及分离法观察那些情绪。当你发现自己带有情绪以及想法去识别事物时，请深呼吸，让自己放空，做一个情绪的观察者。
10.去跑跑步
…或游游泳，或做做其他的体育锻炼。体育锻炼可以帮助你释放那些负面的以及过生的精力。用体育锻炼来清理你的大脑，释放那些你已经积累起来的负能量。
11.设想最坏的情形
问问自己下面两个问题：
“如果我不回应，最坏的结果会怎样？“
“如果我回应，最坏的结果会怎样？“
这些问题的回答会增加你对这一情况的认识角度，并能让你认识到回应并不会有好的结果。只会浪费你的精力，扰乱你内心的平静。
12.避免热烈的讨论
当我们被情绪所控时，冲动会说服我们的大脑以牺牲自我为代价而为为我们做些自认为正确的、捍卫自我的事情。在那些热烈的讨论中很难有理性和分辨率。如果真的需要讨论，那么就等到完全冷静下来的时候吧！
13.分清什么对你才是最重要的？
列出你生活中对你最重要的事物。然后反问自己，“对这个人做出反应会让这些事物对我更重要吗？“
14.说些“甜言蜜语“
这种方法不会总是有效，但是在你不提防他们试图对你“投毒“时，这种方式还是有效的。在别人做得很好时称赞他们，告诉他们在与他们接触中你学到了一些新的东西，如此做的话，说不定你们最后还会成为朋友呢！请记得这是真的！你需要从深处发掘着去称赞这个人。
15.将负面情绪写出来
通过随性的书书写写，去除那些无意义的构想，丢掉所有胡乱的负面想法。在你无话可说之前不要停下。现在，将这张纸揉成一团，闭上眼睛，想着你所有的负能量现在都在这团纸中，最后将它扔进垃圾桶，让它见鬼去吧！（译言网 译者： 罗幕轻寒 原作者：Tina Su）
Can you recall the last time you had to deal with a negative or difficult person? Or the last time someone said something with the intention of hurting you? How did you handle it? What was the result? What can you do in the future to get through these situations with peace and grace?
No matter where we go, we will face people who are negative, people who oppose our ideas, people who piss us off or people who simply do not like us. There are 6.4 billion people out there and conflict is a fact of life. This fact isn’t the cause of conflict but it is the trigger to our emotions and our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct; react and attack back to defend ourselves.
In these instinctual moments, we may lose track of our higher selves and become the human animal with an urge to protect ourselves when attacked. This too is natural. However, we are the only animal blessed with intelligence and having the ability to control our responses. So how can we do that?
I regularly get asked “How do you deal with the negative comments about your articles? They are brutal. I don’t think I could handle them.” My answer is simple, “I don’t let it bother me to begin with.” It wasn’t always this simple, and took me some time before overcoming this natural urgency to protect myself and attack back.
I know it’s not easy, if it was easy, there wouldn’t be difficult or negative people to begin with.
Why Bother Controlling Our Responses?
1. Hurting Ourselves
One of my favorite sayings is “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person we hurt is ourselves. When we react to negativity, we are disturbing our inner space and mentally creating pain within ourselves.
2. It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them.
There have been many times when a random person has left a purposefully hurtful comment on TSN, and regularly checked back to see if anyone else responded to their comment, waiting eagerly to respond with more negativity.
3. Battle of the Ego
When we respond impulsively, it is a natural and honest response. However, is it the smart thing to do? What can be resolved by doing so? The answer: Nothing. It does however feed our ego’s need for conflict.
Have you noticed that when we fight back, it feels really satisfying in our heads? But it doesn’t feel very good in our soul? Our stomach becomes tight, and we start having violent thoughts?
When we do respond irrationally, it turns the conversation from a one-sided negative expression into a battle of two egos. It becomes an unnecessary and unproductive battle for Who is Right?
4. Anger Feeds Anger. Negativity Feeds Negativity.
Rarely can any good come out of reacting against someone who is in a negative state. It will only trigger anger and an additional reactive response from that person. If we do respond impulsively, we’ll have invested energy in the defending of ourselves and we’ll feel more psychologically compelled to defend ourselves going forward.
Have you noticed that the angrier our thoughts become, the angrier we become? It’s a negative downward spiral.
5. Waste of Energy
Where attention goes, energy flows. What we focus on tends to expand itself. Since we can only focus on one thing at a time, energy spent on negativity is energy that could have been spent on our personal wellbeing.
6. Negativity Spreads
I’ve found that once I allow negativity in one area of my life, it starts to subtly bleed into other areas as well. When we are in a negative state or holding a grudge against someone, we don’t feel very good. We carry that energy with us as we go about our day. When we don’t feel very good, we lose sight of clarity and may react unconsciously to matters in other areas of our lives, unnecessarily.
7. Freedom of Speech
People are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Allow them to express how they feel and let it be. Remember that it’s all relative and a matter of perspective. What we consider positive can be perceived by another as negative. When we react, it becomes me-versus-you, who is right?
Some people may have a less than eloquent way of expressing themselves – it may even be offensive, but they are still entitled to do so. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict.
15 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People
While I’ve had a lot of practice dealing with negativity, it is something I find myself having to actively work on. When I’m caught off guard and end up resorting to a defensive position, the result rarely turns out well.
The point is, we are humans after all, and we have emotions and egos. However, by keeping our egos in-check and inserting emotional intelligence, we’ll not only be doing a favor for our health and mental space, but we’ll also have intercepted a situation that would have gone bad, unnecessarily.
difficult-people-dealing.jpg
PHOTO BY KARA PECKNOLD
Here are some tips for dealing with a difficult person or negative message:
1. Forgive
What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”
2. Wait it Out
Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.
3. “Does it really matter if I am right?“
Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”
4. Don’t Respond
Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.
5. Stop Talking About It
When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.
Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.
6. Be In Their Shoes
As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.
7. Look for the Lessons
No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).
8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life
Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.
Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”
9. Become the Observer
When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.
10. Go for a Run
… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.
11. Worst Case Scenario
Ask yourself two questions,
“If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
“If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?“
Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
12. Avoid Heated Discussions
When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.
13. Most Important
List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”
14. Pour Honey
This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.
15. Express It
Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!
** How do you deal with difficult people? What has worked well for you in the past? How do you cool down when you’re all fired up and angry? Share your thoughts in the comments. See you there!